This is the second blog in a series of blogs about the lessons within one of my favorite children’s stories, the fairy tale “The Ugly Duckling” by Hans Christian Andersen. If you are unfamiliar with this story, you can catch up by reading the first blog in this series, "Testing the Labels and Other Truths about Self Discovery".
Just like all of us, the ugly duckling in our story was
looking for love and acceptance. More profoundly,
he was engaging in a very human struggle … he was searching for his identity
and purpose. Love, acceptance, identity,
and purpose are interconnected and core to living a fulfilling life.
What are those concepts, really? Let’s start with love. We think we know what love is all about. The families and others we grow up with do
their best to love us. That love is
often flawed and may even change based on someone’s definition of “good” or
“bad” behavior. Movies and broadcast
shows are full of romanticized events and emotional connections they call
love. Those usually come with betrayals,
insecurity, dishonesty, and unhappiness.
I believe those definitions and examples of love are confused. What does our story tell us about love?
The ugly duckling’s mother loved him. What evidence do we have? She accepted him as her own and nurtured him
even though he didn’t look like her other ducklings; he was bigger, taller, and
less attractive. She looked after him
and did her best to protect him. With
the bullying, she was outnumbered and outsized.
As an aside, I just had a picture in my head of this mother duck squawking
at and scolding a huge cow who is slowly chewing a wad of grass bigger than she
is! But back to the story.
Remember: love, acceptance, identity and purpose are
interconnected. With the mother duck’s
love, we also see acceptance because she did not judge her ugly duckling. She didn’t care that he was bigger or taller
or less attractive. Those are simply
comparisons; they are not absolute truths.
In her world, he was hers, and
that’s all that mattered. She was clear
on his identity; he’s a duck. She was
clear on his purpose; to do duck things.
Why wasn’t that enough for our ugly duckling? Because someone else cannot define our
identity and purpose; they may shape, influence, or contribute, but they cannot
define. In our story, the mother duck
believing an identity and purpose for the ugly duckling did not make it true
for him. My guess is her love and
acceptance gave the ugly duckling the courage and strength to venture into the
bigger world to look for greater acceptance along with identity and purpose. That’s what a pure, healthy love does for us.
What about acceptance?
We look for acceptance for who we are and what we are and everything
about us. Why do we need that? We long to relax and simply be
ourselves. We don’t want to “walk on
eggshells” around others. (That’s a
little joke. Get it? Eggshells?
He came from an egg? I thought it
was funny). When he left the barnyard,
the ugly duckling encountered many other situations and animals. He only found acceptance when he connected
with the swans. Do you remember what
happened? They were excited to see him,
and he didn’t know why. They warmly
welcomed him, and he didn’t know why. It
was only after he looked down and saw his reflection in the pond that he
finally understood; he is one of them.
He found his acceptance and with that came his identity and purpose.
This story uses the ugly duckling’s physical appearance as a
metaphor, not as the point of the story.
True love, acceptance, identity, and purpose have little to do with our
physical appearance. They have to do
with our hearts and inner selves. Also,
it’s not quite as clear cut for us as it is for our ugly duckling/beautiful
swan. Still, the lessons apply to
us.
There is a common philosophy that says we have to love ourselves
and accept ourselves. This philosophy
advocates we don’t need anyone else for that.
I don’t agree. We can’t know what
truly loving ourselves means until we’ve experienced it through someone else. We can’t distinguish acceptance from giving
up until we’ve felt real acceptance from someone else. We need others to shape, influence, and
contribute to our search for identity and purpose. None of these significant and core aspects of
being human come from only ourselves.
As the ugly duckling learned, we find pure and true love and
acceptance as well as identity and purpose through healthy relationships. We can’t do it on our own. We are not built to do it on our own. As our ugly duckling found, this search and journey
is worth taking. The rewards outweigh
the risks.
If you'd like help with your search for love, acceptance, identity, and purpose, consider contacting a mental health professional, such as me. You'll be amazed at what a difference it can make.
