I am grieving. I’m
sure you know what that’s like. You may
not have recently experienced the death of a loved one as I did, but you have a
sense of what I’m going through. There
are really two parts to any "death", be it the death of a dream, a
relationship, a loved one, or anything else of significance. There’s the "loss", and there’s the "grief". Loss is an event, or a change, or what’s
missing. Grief is a set of emotional
reactions. Loss is describable; grief …
not so much.
Loss has many forms. Let’s
use the example of a job change. Even if
the job change is desired, there may be loss of income, loss of a nice commute,
loss of friendships with coworkers, loss of important benefits, loss of a
comfortable routine, loss of a predictable schedule, loss of security, and so
on. The losses are defined by the person
experiencing them, and no one else.
Person A who has a job change may not mind at all that the commute to
the new job is longer; while Person B hates driving, so a longer commute is a
hardship. It’s personal. In my case, I feel strongly the loss of the
enormous and uplifting presence this patriarch of our family had. Not everyone in my family feels his death in
this same way. And that’s OK.
Grief is the set of emotions evoked by the losses. If there’s no sense of loss, then there’s no grief. Grief is a process and a journey. It is individual, takes time, is
unpredictable, and surprising. The intensity of one's grief is influenced by the significance,
meaning, and importance attached to the loss.
So, just like loss, grief is personal.
Though similar in many ways, mine is different from yours. And that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
To help someone going
through this, all you have to do is:
Listen,
Open up your heart,
Value their perspective, and
Ensure their basic needs are met.
When someone is grieving, let them grieve, let them feel,
let them talk, let them be silent. Resist the temptation to cheer them up. That temptation often comes from our own discomfort. This is the time to be sensitive to their needs, so ask them what they need. Also, please make sure the grieving are eating and attending to other basic life
necessities; and only the basic necessities.
When deeply grieving, we Americans have a tendency to want to do
too much and take care of everyone else.
We do this to avoid our painful feelings. The only way to cope with grief is to let
it happen. Remember, it doesn't last forever.
Give it time and Go with the flow.
Grief is a process and a journey, not an event.
Rest and Rely on others to assist in the most basic tasks of daily
living. You may find every day tasks to be more challenging; that's normal.
Identify the specific losses you
feel and learn what matters most to you. This helps the healing process.
Embrace opportunities with safe, non-judging people to pour out your heart; and find one or more you can call in the middle of the night. You don't have to go through this alone.
Free yourself to Feel whatever comes your way and whenever it comes
your way. It’s your journey, not anyone else’s. Remember, it doesn't last forever.
If you want to help someone who is grieving, L-O-V-E them. If it’s you who is on this journey, let the
G-R-I-E-F happen.
If your losses seem to keep piling up or your grief seems more complicated, then consider contacting a mental health professional, such as me. You'll be amazed at what a difference it can make.
