Testing the Labels and Other Truths about Self Discovery

I love good stories.  Some of the best stories are written for children.  They are wonderfully simple and deeply complex at the same time.  This is the first blog in a series of blogs about the lessons within one of my favorite children’s stories.

Are you familiar with the children’s fairy tale “The Ugly Duckling” by Hans Christian Andersen?  It’s about a mother duck with several baby ducks who live together on a farm with many other animals.  One of her babies is larger, taller, and isn’t cute like the others.  They call him the “ugly duckling”, and he’s bullied by all the other animals.  The mother duck tries to protect her ugly duckling, but he’s shy and scared so runs away.  Everywhere he goes, the animals he meets don’t know what to do with him.  None ever saw a duckling as large and tall as he or as un-cute.  He ends up far from the farm, lonely, scared, and homeless.  One day, the ugly duckling sees several swans fly by.  He had never seen swans before.  They are beautiful, graceful, large, and strong.  The sight of them makes his heart beat faster, and he can’t take his eyes off them until they are far, far away.

Many long and lonely months go by.  One day, the scared ugly duckling spots several swans nearby on a lovely pond.  He hides in the tall grasses and watches as they gently and gracefully swim through the water as if floating above it.  The ugly duckling builds up all his courage and decides to swim over to them.  He’s eager to see these beautiful creatures up close.  As they see him coming, the swans seem to be thrilled and excited and quickly swim over to meet him!  When they reach the ugly duckling, they happily welcome him and are kind and gentle to him.  The ugly duckling doesn’t understand why these beautiful swans are so nice to him; no one has ever treated him that way before.  Feeling uncomfortable with all the attention, he hangs his head and tries to hide under his wing.  As he’s looking down, he sees his own reflection in the pond.  He can’t believe what he sees!  He doesn’t see an ugly duckling at all.  He sees he is a beautiful, graceful, large and strong swan himself.  He was never an ugly duckling. 

While there are many life lessons woven throughout this wonderful story, this is what I believe to be the most important:  Find the TRUTH about Yourself

The mother duck and baby ducks thought they knew the truth about the large, tall, not so cute creature.  When they labeled him an “ugly duckling”, they were wrong.  They didn’t know what a baby swan looked like so spoke from what they believed about themselves.  Instead of love and compassion, the animals chose the path of bullying to deal with this different creature.  The “ugly duckling” didn’t know he was really a baby swan, so he believed the defeating and limiting labels given him.  We humans do the same thing.  We believe defeating and limiting labels others give us: not good enough, unlovable, never amount to anything, ugly.  Defeating and limiting labels don’t have to define you.  Test those labels. 

• Look at who is labeling you.  If the person doesn’t know much about you, then the defeating and limiting labels are probably more about them.  By definition, bullies want to tear you down in an attempt to feel good about themselves.  It’s not about you at all.  It’s not the truth.
• Surround yourself with people who build you up.  People who spend time with you, laugh with you, and listen to you are people who want the best for you.  Hang onto what they say about you, and put many of these people in your life.
• Reduce your time with people who tear you down.  Sometimes, we can’t avoid people who tear us down:  maybe it’s family, classmates, co-workers, or neighbors.  There are ways to deal with these people.  Choose carefully when to be around them, and learn to kindly say ‘no’.  Decide in advance how to gracefully excuse yourself from their presence; and allow yourself to take a break from them whenever you need to.  The truth is there are people we must exclude from our lives because they are poisonous to us, even if they are family.  Build up the emotional strength to do so with compassion.
• Be aware of believing defeating and limiting labels.  Pay attention to how you talk to and feel about yourself.  Be mindful of any defeating and limiting labels, and correct them.  When you are unsure, talk to the people who really know you and want the best for you.  Ask for honesty and truth.

In our story, sadly, the “ugly duckling” had to remove himself from the only family he knew because they tore him down.  He didn't have my blog to help him, so he didn't know how to test the defeating and limiting labels.  He finally found a group of animals who built him up ... the swans.  Only then, did he realize he was never an ugly duckling, and he is a beautiful swan!

Test the labels.  Find your truth and your inner swan-ness!

If you'd like help with getting rid of defeating and limiting labels or with finding your truth, consider contacting a mental health professional, such as me.  You'll be amazed at what a difference it can make.

The Psychological Relationship Between Apples and Oranges

You know the difference between an apple and an orange, right?  They are nothing alike other than being roundish and fruits.  They are different in color, texture, taste, and aroma. Let’s say I desperately want to eat an orange.  Every time I think about it, my mouth waters.  So I go into the kitchen, and I find ... an apple.  I pick up the apple and eagerly bite into it waiting for the sweet orange juices to fill my mouth.  It doesn’t happen; it’s crunchy!  I suddenly realize this is not an orange.  I’m angry now.  I spit out the bite of apple and start yelling at it.  Why aren’t you an orange!  I told you I wanted an orange!  If you cared about me, you’d be an orange!

That sounds pretty silly, doesn’t it?  Why would anyone get mad at an apple for not being an orange?  Guess what ... we do exactly that in our relationships.  We want our special person to be, well, an orange when they’re really an apple.  We expect different behavior, reactions, words than our special person has consistently given and shown.  And then, we get angry at them for not behaving they way we want them to. So how do we deal with apple versus orange issues in our special relationships?  We look at choices that are within our ability to make, such as these: 

• Maybe we accept our apple for the apple they are; love and appreciate them for what they bring to the relationship as an apple.
• Maybe we decide an apple doesn’t fit into our lives right now, and gracefully end the relationship.
• Maybe we lovingly talk to our special apple person about behaving a bit more like an orange.  We don’t know what changes a person may be willing to make for the sake of the relationship until we honestly and compassionately ask them. 
• Maybe we change our own behavior to be a bit more like an apple. 

We can only change ourselves: our expectations, our perceptions, the people we choose to have around us.  

If you'd like some help with your relationships, consider contacting a mental health professional, such as me.  You'll be amazed at what a difference it can make.

Anxiety, Insecurity, and Other Ways We Run From Shadows

It’s always funny in a cartoon to see some little creature, usually a mouse, create a big shadow of itself to scare away a much larger attacker, usually a cat.  The mouse moves the focus of the cat’s attention from his little self to his larger and less identifiable shadow.  When the cat sees the shadow, the cat makes assumptions about what must be casting the shadow.  Those assumptions are formed from the cat’s own fears, insecurities, and anxieties, such as those that say a large shadow must be caused by a large creature which must mean danger. 

While shadows exist and give us information, they don’t tell us everything.  They may distort, exaggerate, and distract.  They have no power and cannot cause any harm.  For instance, as with the mouse, a large shadow does not guarantee something large or dangerous is behind it. 

We get distracted by shadows, too, particularly emotional shadows fueled by our own insecurities, anxieties, and fears ... just like what happened to the cat.  Earlier this year, I worried about and felt burdened by a task I didn’t want to do.  I procrastinated, made excuses, and waited weeks to get it done.  I was looking at the shadow, meaning the distortion and exaggeration of the task as I created in my mind and emotions, instead of the task itself.  When I finally did the task, it ended up taking much less time than I imagined and wasn’t as difficult as I was sure it would be.  My task was really a mouse when compared to what I had built it up to be.

Whether we say we’re procrastinating, worrying, feeling burdened, overwhelmed, insecure, anxious, or any other related descriptors ... it always means we need to double-check our focus, assumptions, and perceptions.  Are we actually looking at a shadow?  Often, just as I did, we focus on the uncomfortable and less identifiable feelings instead of what’s behind them and what’s really going on.  So the discomfort and feelings themselves become our shadows.  Focusing so much on those uncomfortable feelings makes them bigger, more intense, and use more of our energy than they may actually deserve.  In my case, focusing on the feelings instead of the task led me to believe the task would be more difficult than it actually turned out to be.

There is an answer ... Let your feelings wash over you, like an ocean wave, so you are better able to see the reasons for the feelings and discomfort.  Just like shadows, emotions themselves are harmless, informative, and only part of the picture.  Once you determine what’s behind the feelings and what’s really going on, you might just find an insignificant mouse.

Seeing through our shadows and uncomfortable emotions isn’t always easy.  Maybe your own situation is more complex.  If you’d like some help with your overwhelming feelings and dealing with what’s behind them, think about contacting me or another licensed professional.

Tips to Stress Less

S = Slow Down!  Not everything is top priority.  Drop some things off the list; it’s ok.  On purpose, slow your movements and speech.  You’ll be amazed at how calming that is. 

T = Take a Break!  It’s not selfish; it’s self care.  You are more important than your tasks.  Take that walk, read that book, hold hands with a loved one, go to a movie, go out with friends.  Schedule fun into your life.

R = Refocus onto Relationships!  Tasks aren’t what make life rewarding; relationships are.  Use activities as a way to have fun with those who matter to you.  Take advantage of being in the car with the kids or partner and talk; share the events of each other’s day.  Call a friend just because.

E = Eat Something Healthy!  Stress uses up vital nutrients in our bodies, so make sure you are replacing them daily.  Oh, and a little bit of quality chocolate is not a bad thing.

S = Sleep Well!  Have a regular bedtime and routine. That signals your brain to prepare for sleep.  When you get up, look at the sun; that signals your brain to get ready to work.

S = Seek Help!  Don’t even try to do it all on your own.  Your friends, family, and neighbors would probably love to help out and are waiting for you to ask . . . so ask. 

We all have stress.  It's a part of life.  However, too much stress suffocates and destroys. 

If that’s you or if feeling overwhelmed has become your “normal”, then consider contacting a mental health professional, such as me, to help you find better ways to cope.  You’ll be amazed at what a difference it can make.