Love and Acceptance as Part of the Search for Identity and Purpose

This is the second blog in a series of blogs about the lessons within one of my favorite children’s stories, the fairy tale “The Ugly Duckling” by Hans Christian Andersen.  If you are unfamiliar with this story, you can catch up by reading the first blog in this series, "Testing the Labels and Other Truths about Self Discovery".

Just like all of us, the ugly duckling in our story was looking for love and acceptance.  More profoundly, he was engaging in a very human struggle … he was searching for his identity and purpose.  Love, acceptance, identity, and purpose are interconnected and core to living a fulfilling life. 

What are those concepts, really?  Let’s start with love.  We think we know what love is all about.  The families and others we grow up with do their best to love us.  That love is often flawed and may even change based on someone’s definition of “good” or “bad” behavior.   Movies and broadcast shows are full of romanticized events and emotional connections they call love.  Those usually come with betrayals, insecurity, dishonesty, and unhappiness.  I believe those definitions and examples of love are confused.  What does our story tell us about love?

The ugly duckling’s mother loved him.  What evidence do we have?  She accepted him as her own and nurtured him even though he didn’t look like her other ducklings; he was bigger, taller, and less attractive.  She looked after him and did her best to protect him.  With the bullying, she was outnumbered and outsized.  As an aside, I just had a picture in my head of this mother duck squawking at and scolding a huge cow who is slowly chewing a wad of grass bigger than she is!  But back to the story.

Remember: love, acceptance, identity and purpose are interconnected.  With the mother duck’s love, we also see acceptance because she did not judge her ugly duckling.  She didn’t care that he was bigger or taller or less attractive.  Those are simply comparisons; they are not absolute truths.   In her world, he was hers, and that’s all that mattered.   She was clear on his identity; he’s a duck.  She was clear on his purpose; to do duck things.  Why wasn’t that enough for our ugly duckling?  Because someone else cannot define our identity and purpose; they may shape, influence, or contribute, but they cannot define.  In our story, the mother duck believing an identity and purpose for the ugly duckling did not make it true for him.  My guess is her love and acceptance gave the ugly duckling the courage and strength to venture into the bigger world to look for greater acceptance along with identity and purpose.  That’s what a pure, healthy love does for us. 

What about acceptance?  We look for acceptance for who we are and what we are and everything about us.  Why do we need that?  We long to relax and simply be ourselves.  We don’t want to “walk on eggshells” around others.  (That’s a little joke.  Get it?  Eggshells?  He came from an egg?  I thought it was funny).  When he left the barnyard, the ugly duckling encountered many other situations and animals.  He only found acceptance when he connected with the swans.  Do you remember what happened?   They were excited to see him, and he didn’t know why.  They warmly welcomed him, and he didn’t know why.  It was only after he looked down and saw his reflection in the pond that he finally understood; he is one of them.  He found his acceptance and with that came his identity and purpose.

This story uses the ugly duckling’s physical appearance as a metaphor, not as the point of the story.  True love, acceptance, identity, and purpose have little to do with our physical appearance.  They have to do with our hearts and inner selves.  Also, it’s not quite as clear cut for us as it is for our ugly duckling/beautiful swan.  Still, the lessons apply to us. 

There is a common philosophy that says we have to love ourselves and accept ourselves.  This philosophy advocates we don’t need anyone else for that.  I don’t agree.  We can’t know what truly loving ourselves means until we’ve experienced it through someone else.  We can’t distinguish acceptance from giving up until we’ve felt real acceptance from someone else.  We need others to shape, influence, and contribute to our search for identity and purpose.  None of these significant and core aspects of being human come from only ourselves.

As the ugly duckling learned, we find pure and true love and acceptance as well as identity and purpose through healthy relationships.  We can’t do it on our own.  We are not built to do it on our own.  As our ugly duckling found, this search and journey is worth taking.  The rewards outweigh the risks.

If you'd like help with your search for love, acceptance, identity, and purpose, consider contacting a mental health professional, such as me.  You'll be amazed at what a difference it can make.

Testing the Labels and Other Truths about Self Discovery

I love good stories.  Some of the best stories are written for children.  They are wonderfully simple and deeply complex at the same time.  This is the first blog in a series of blogs about the lessons within one of my favorite children’s stories.

Are you familiar with the children’s fairy tale “The Ugly Duckling” by Hans Christian Andersen?  It’s about a mother duck with several baby ducks who live together on a farm with many other animals.  One of her babies is larger, taller, and isn’t cute like the others.  They call him the “ugly duckling”, and he’s bullied by all the other animals.  The mother duck tries to protect her ugly duckling, but he’s shy and scared so runs away.  Everywhere he goes, the animals he meets don’t know what to do with him.  None ever saw a duckling as large and tall as he or as un-cute.  He ends up far from the farm, lonely, scared, and homeless.  One day, the ugly duckling sees several swans fly by.  He had never seen swans before.  They are beautiful, graceful, large, and strong.  The sight of them makes his heart beat faster, and he can’t take his eyes off them until they are far, far away.

Many long and lonely months go by.  One day, the scared ugly duckling spots several swans nearby on a lovely pond.  He hides in the tall grasses and watches as they gently and gracefully swim through the water as if floating above it.  The ugly duckling builds up all his courage and decides to swim over to them.  He’s eager to see these beautiful creatures up close.  As they see him coming, the swans seem to be thrilled and excited and quickly swim over to meet him!  When they reach the ugly duckling, they happily welcome him and are kind and gentle to him.  The ugly duckling doesn’t understand why these beautiful swans are so nice to him; no one has ever treated him that way before.  Feeling uncomfortable with all the attention, he hangs his head and tries to hide under his wing.  As he’s looking down, he sees his own reflection in the pond.  He can’t believe what he sees!  He doesn’t see an ugly duckling at all.  He sees he is a beautiful, graceful, large and strong swan himself.  He was never an ugly duckling. 

While there are many life lessons woven throughout this wonderful story, this is what I believe to be the most important:  Find the TRUTH about Yourself

The mother duck and baby ducks thought they knew the truth about the large, tall, not so cute creature.  When they labeled him an “ugly duckling”, they were wrong.  They didn’t know what a baby swan looked like so spoke from what they believed about themselves.  Instead of love and compassion, the animals chose the path of bullying to deal with this different creature.  The “ugly duckling” didn’t know he was really a baby swan, so he believed the defeating and limiting labels given him.  We humans do the same thing.  We believe defeating and limiting labels others give us: not good enough, unlovable, never amount to anything, ugly.  Defeating and limiting labels don’t have to define you.  Test those labels. 

• Look at who is labeling you.  If the person doesn’t know much about you, then the defeating and limiting labels are probably more about them.  By definition, bullies want to tear you down in an attempt to feel good about themselves.  It’s not about you at all.  It’s not the truth.
• Surround yourself with people who build you up.  People who spend time with you, laugh with you, and listen to you are people who want the best for you.  Hang onto what they say about you, and put many of these people in your life.
• Reduce your time with people who tear you down.  Sometimes, we can’t avoid people who tear us down:  maybe it’s family, classmates, co-workers, or neighbors.  There are ways to deal with these people.  Choose carefully when to be around them, and learn to kindly say ‘no’.  Decide in advance how to gracefully excuse yourself from their presence; and allow yourself to take a break from them whenever you need to.  The truth is there are people we must exclude from our lives because they are poisonous to us, even if they are family.  Build up the emotional strength to do so with compassion.
• Be aware of believing defeating and limiting labels.  Pay attention to how you talk to and feel about yourself.  Be mindful of any defeating and limiting labels, and correct them.  When you are unsure, talk to the people who really know you and want the best for you.  Ask for honesty and truth.

In our story, sadly, the “ugly duckling” had to remove himself from the only family he knew because they tore him down.  He didn't have my blog to help him, so he didn't know how to test the defeating and limiting labels.  He finally found a group of animals who built him up ... the swans.  Only then, did he realize he was never an ugly duckling, and he is a beautiful swan!

Test the labels.  Find your truth and your inner swan-ness!

If you'd like help with getting rid of defeating and limiting labels or with finding your truth, consider contacting a mental health professional, such as me.  You'll be amazed at what a difference it can make.

Tips to Stress Less

S = Slow Down!  Not everything is top priority.  Drop some things off the list; it’s ok.  On purpose, slow your movements and speech.  You’ll be amazed at how calming that is. 

T = Take a Break!  It’s not selfish; it’s self care.  You are more important than your tasks.  Take that walk, read that book, hold hands with a loved one, go to a movie, go out with friends.  Schedule fun into your life.

R = Refocus onto Relationships!  Tasks aren’t what make life rewarding; relationships are.  Use activities as a way to have fun with those who matter to you.  Take advantage of being in the car with the kids or partner and talk; share the events of each other’s day.  Call a friend just because.

E = Eat Something Healthy!  Stress uses up vital nutrients in our bodies, so make sure you are replacing them daily.  Oh, and a little bit of quality chocolate is not a bad thing.

S = Sleep Well!  Have a regular bedtime and routine. That signals your brain to prepare for sleep.  When you get up, look at the sun; that signals your brain to get ready to work.

S = Seek Help!  Don’t even try to do it all on your own.  Your friends, family, and neighbors would probably love to help out and are waiting for you to ask . . . so ask. 

We all have stress.  It's a part of life.  However, too much stress suffocates and destroys. 

If that’s you or if feeling overwhelmed has become your “normal”, then consider contacting a mental health professional, such as me, to help you find better ways to cope.  You’ll be amazed at what a difference it can make.